some weekend grumpiness

f you've been paying attention (you haven't, I'm sure) I've been dinking around with this site for the last few months trying to make it look somewhat presentable, professional, interesting to the eye. I keep coming back to this-- plain dark text on a white background, and I can't seem to stop. Maybe my blog doesn't look so good right now because it has no content? Perish the thought.

This whole weekend can be described as "boredom punctuated by consumerism". The boredom is pretty much all my fault, I've been cranky and pouty (thank you PMS) and in a mood where if I am not constantly entertained I feel extra-bored. It's not like I don't have anything to do. I have plenty-- there is the endless task of picking up after myself, half-started craft projects, job applications, rent to pay, etc., etc., but I refuse to do any of that shit this weekend. That would be something like work, and it's the weekend, I do not feel like working. Instead, I moped around, sleeping in and feeling lonely. Of course, it didn't occur to me to call anyone or make any plans, but whatever. That's the way being grumpy goes, there's an easy way out but you're too busy being grumpy to do anything about it.

Consumerism. Last night I bought my ticket to Iowa for Christmas. That cost around five-hundred dollars I don't have and I spent some time looking for a paper bag to breathe into afterwards. I hit up Goodwill on Saturday (not a particularly wise choice the Saturday before Halloween), wandered aimlessly and looked for furniture for my extra room. Instead, I found the teacups that go with my china set. Six of them. Perfect. I was very excited. It was all I could do today not to go back to Goodwill and hunt down the saucers, though now I feel like I should have. The teacups:


Friends, I am not just like my mother, I am my mother. I am getting excited just typing about the teacups and kicking myself for not finding the saucers. Which I will probably look for tomorrow after work. So I bought those and a springform cake pan that I have no idea how to use. Then off to Fred Meyer to buy boring stuff like shampoo and toilet paper etc. I am still trying to calm myself down from buying the teacups, I am not lying. Another thing I got excited about this weekend: using coupons at the grocery store. Jesus, I need a life.

Today I woke up all mad at myself for sleeping in and then was told by my computer that daylight savings ended while I was asleep. Thank you computer, because without you I would have never known. An hour earned! Maybe my body will forget tomorrow morning too and I can show up on time for work for once. That would be nice. There was a dish-washing marathon today and minor grocery shopping. The samples at New Seasons today were disappointing (Tortilla chips? Come on, guys.), and I went hungry on purpose. Now I procrastinate other writing projects and rent-paying for just about anything else. Perhaps I will take the train to work tomorrow, since I will be driving hither and yon all over Washington County for the rest of the week, and I could save the wear and tear on the car. Hm, I do love sitting motionless on trains half-awake and staring off into mid-space avoiding eye contact. Actually it doesn't sound like that bad of an idea. We'll see how early I get up tomorrow morning.

Running out of steam. Maybe I will get up and fill out the rent check.

in which i devolve to checklists

1. Re-start blog.
   
2. Be less broke.
   
3. Get new job.
   
4. End headache. (ASAP, please.)
   
5. Grocery shopping: carrots, cabbage, tofu.
   
6. Go to the gym.
   
7. Clean kitchen.
   
8. Furnishings: chairs, desk, bookshelves, mirror.
   
9. Wall hangings.
   
10. Pay off credit cards.
    
11. Have more fun.
    
12. Clothes: wool socks, tall black boots, dresses.
    
13. Dishes. Do them.

a partial history of my stupidity

Traffic was heavy coming off the bridge
and I took the road to the right, the wrong one,
and got stuck in the car for hours.

Most nights I rushed out into the evening
without paying attention to the trees,
whose names I didn't know,
or the birds, which flew heedlessly on.

I couldn't relinquish my desires
or accept them, and so I strolled along
like a tiger that wanted to spring,
but was still afraid of the wildness within.

The iron bars seemed invisible to others,
but I carried a cage around inside me.

I cared too much what other people thought
and made remarks I shouldn't have made.
I was slient when I should have spoken.

Forgive me, philosophers,
I read the Stoics but never understood them.

I felt that I was living the wrong life,
spiritually speaking,
while halfway around the world
thousands of people were being slaughtered,
some of them by my countrymen.

So I walked on--distracted, lost in thought--
and forgot to attend to those who suffered
far away, nearby.

Forgive me, faith, for never having any.

I did not believe in God,
who eluded me.

-- Edward Hirsch

birthday humiliation!

The invitation to my birthday party, held awhile before my actual date of birth:

Celebrate the anniversary of my birth with dinner, drinks, and a little public
humiliation! Bring an old angsty diary, old poetry, funny old letters,
etc. to share with the crowd. It's like karaoke but with more embarassment
and less singing.

So on my real birthday, I give you a horrible taste from one of my real diaries... as promised to nonlineagirl...

7.18.03
Another day and I am stuck with the hard decision of whether to do
what I
want to do, or to shower and maintain my excellent hygiene. It feels
like there
is just so much to do in such a short amount of time (clean,
write, prepare,
etc) that I decide I don't want to do anything but sit still
for a few minutes.
Is that so wrong? Yes, apparently. We have another child
with Asperger's
Syndrome. His name is D, and he is polite and considerate
beyond words. I am
wondering if the other shoe will drop soon. In other
news, today is R's
birthday. This leaves me vaugely annoyed and I don't know
why. I suspect it is
because I'm jealous of all the attention. The plus side
is 1) it is also Zach
the Wonderful's (a student) birthday; 2) there will be
cake. So, this is good.
I'm trying my hardest to maintain my resolutions to
be helpful and optimistic
and to drink at least a litre of water every day.
It's proving to be a bit more
difficult than I expected.

... From my time at nerd camp.

actual conversations in my home

Me: My tummy hurts.

Jake: Oh. Pizza?

Me: No, my uterus is trying to escape from my body.

Jake: Yikes. Mega.

resolutions and resolve

Thank you to those who showed up for my pre-birthday party. That was fun. I always pull myself into knots of anxiety over any size of gathering of my friends (Which one of you flakes will show up? Will you end up killing each other or staring awkwardly at the table?) and I'm glad that those fears are rarely justified. Or that I was drinking too much to notice. Either way is fine with me.

So, in honor of my early birthday, I make resolutions:

• Stop being so lazy I don't wash my face before bed.
• Write 200 words a day. 200 words that aren't blogging or work. Okay, sometimes blogging can count.
• Do not clean the kitchen today. It is Jake's turn.
• Become a generally more perfect human being. If that's possible.

I have been running out of creative-type projects recently, which has left me with excess energy for things like worrying, obsessing, and buying things I don't need. Lately I've been cringing over every thing I do and say. Even now. Even now. Or obsessing over work and how to make everything more efficient. Not healthy. I seem to have lost some interest in knitting, it may be time for a small break from that to... do what?

The three of you that read this: What do you think? Any good creative projects for me?

more signage

From the past two weeks...

STEREOTYPING IS A LAZY WAY TO THINK ABOUT PEOPLE.

Why, yes. You're right, veterinary hospital. Why are we having this conversation? And the next week...

2 CATS CLEANING EACH OTHER, AFFECTION OR A TRIAL RUN FOR THE JUGULAR?

I have no way to respond to this. Maybe both?